Your sweetest memories yet the bitter

Do you know that i missing you so much?

I totally forgot how long i never hold you hand to walk.

How long i never kiss on you cheek before you leave for work.

How long i never jump on you when you back from work.

How long i never ask you to kiss my cheek.

How long i didn't sit on the bike with you.

How long i didn't cover myself under your jacket on the bike.

How long we never chit chat at the garden in front the house.

How long didn't go fishing with you.

How long never hear you scream at the dogs.

How long never see the shadow of your back.

How long i never tell you that i love you.

How long we never eat together on the same table.

How long we never go travel together.

I still remember a lots of our memories,

which is so sweet and warm to my heart.

Remember you hold my hand to zoo negara.

Remember you buy me my favorite porridge which need to queue for an hour.

Remember you send me to clinic when i fever.

Remember the way you carry me into the bedroom when i sick and weak.

Remember we eat banana together.

Remember i drink nestum with you after your mahjong session.

Remember the first time i buy you rojak.

Remember you always wait me outside when i off work.

Remember you never say anything even you waited me for an hour.

Remember the first time i cant contact you on your mobile.

Remember the first time i totally lost your news.

Remember i bought all the presents but i can't give it to you.

Remember how i meet you again and how excited i'm.

Remember the heart broken new that you admitted hospital cause illness.

Remember how sad i cook the porridge to you at that time.

Remember the last time when i leave the hospital.

Remember how you quietly follow at my back to see me the last time.

Remember i so innocents to escape from your eye sight cause want you to get rest.

Remember after that day i never see you looking at me anymore.

There are too much things that i remember.

I still feel the warm big hand of you holding my hand,

bring me to somewhere a playground.

Yes, is a dream.

And it only can happen in my dream now. =)

Waiting...

Slept for not more than an hour...

Clock tickling ... Air-cond blowing... Radio playing at the back...

Some playing with their iphone,

some busy with their works,

what about me? I'm unstopped looking at my phone.

Guess patience is a treasure that not much human have it.

Nope. My phone is not ringing but i just can't keep my eye away.

Today's time seems pass very slow, quietly, peacefully...

Mind is stuck, brain is stop, pictures of you passing through.

Tired mind, lazy body and a sour heart.

Be alone, quiet down, listen to your heart...

Do you hear your heart? Sincerely...

is dripping dripping and dripping... is blood ? or tears?

Air-cond blowing at my face,

So scare of my half open eyes to close,

and your faces will appear in the dark...

Stop thinking, stop looking

but just cant stop playback in my brain.

Try to focus but can't seems to focus,

Ended up lost my job.

Friend's concern, friend's advise,

but disappointed them at the end.

My New Living

Finally, i still have to move out from the previous place.

I'm now staying alone with 2 cats in a friend house.

Really appreciate on the help and happy to have true friends.

Is a rainy day, but i do nothing and just chill at home.

Staying with 2 of my cats,

was clearing my black head for an hour,

followed by a cold hydrating mask.

Oh my ~! Have been long time never enjoy this kind of lifestyle.

A fully rest and enjoy saturday for me.

Lazy to go out stuck in the busy commercial life,

yet enjoying my Saturday by do nothing,

but enjoying the cozy day.

Sometimes we are too busy to achieve and getting what we want.

But i believe a day of do nothing is a best day as well.

At least you get to rest your mind, soul and body as well.

Sometimes i do really need something like this to re-charge,

and continue to start fight for my future again.

Was still thinking the opportunity to oversea.

Should i leave or should i stay ?

Seriously i was hoping for this so long,

and now i got a chance and maybe not 100% but at least i can try.

I'm seriously tired and feel so miserable of all these days.

I'm quite lost but yet i still can see my direction covered by the thick haze.

I still no the same path but i do need a brand new start.

I do really hope i can get away from here,

have a brand new start.

Start at somewhere nobody knows me,

totally a new environment and culture to me.

With no limitation on the creativity.

To explore and wonder more and more which i never had before.

Even though i'm alone but i never scare.

All i want now is just that simple.

Maybe the only way to keep yourself happy is 'be simple'.

Maybe in our life we have too much things beyond control.

As i always said,

"We can't choose who we falling in love with,

but we can choose who to share our life with."

Feeling is very subjective and uncontrollable.

But sometimes we do need to back in the reality,

think rationally and logically, what's the next step to go.

We can't predict the future, but instead of waiting it to happen,

why don't i make a step to something under my control and manageable?

There is a voice always remind me when i wake up,

"Hey! you make a mistake. Get things right!"

Where did the voice come from?

Why it keep repeating in my mind?

The voice from guiltiness?

Guess i'm seriously not as cruel as what you see.

i'm blaming myself on the mistake everyday.

Most important, i'm worry at the same time.

I know myself well and it will become worse.

There is a never change theory in my mind set,

which is "You own it or you leave it!"

There is not 'sharing' in certain thing of my life.

If i can't own then i will choose to leave.

Should said, i shouldn't own in the first place if is not belongs to me.

But, i can still choose the journey i going on the next.

Sad yet helpless, and that is the way i should be.

Sometimes when you want to achieve something,

you have to pay with something else.

If i choose a brand new start,

and i going to pay with everything i have for now.

Does it worth?

Sometimes i have no choice if i did a mistake,

and guess this the only way to makes thing right.

God bless me on the journey i going to start.

Is a peaceful night

Can't really recall how long i never sit down at this living room till this late.Was very quiet, peaceful but... mosquitoes flying around as well ~

Time past extremely fast.

My little cutie pie, Ying En already 6 months old.

As a aunty of her, these 2 days is my first time so close with her.

Carry her around walking at shopping mall,

Playing with her and satisfied with her innocent laughter.

What else can be better than an innocent kid?

They are really straight forward with not cover or pretend,

Simple, easy to fulfill and free from stressful living.

Everyone hoping back to their kid's time as well,

Do you ?

When you look at their face,

they just very cute and chubby which makes your heart melted.

Their laughter could really brighten up your day.

You will never realize you become like a kid when you playing with them.

But... you still enjoy to do so,

because their smile and laughter just that amazing.

As the parent of the kid,

from the growing journey and your guardian to the kid,

the more you give, the more you uneasy to see them in suffer.

And also the more you hope to keep them with you as long as you can.

You will not understand the feeling before you become the father/mother.

So much of the memories they have it with you.

The path of growing up of you but growing older to them.

The taller and stronger you grown,

the older and weaker they become.

Reality world is just sad but true,

appreciate whatever we have and try to look around.

Something happened we couldn't change.

Stop blaming yourself or others,

and make the right move to get things better before it's too late.

We always miss a lot of chance and opportunity.

We always rounding at the same circle when we did mistake.

Try to walk out of the circle and get the right move.

Appreciate your life, appreciate your true friend,

appreciate your family and no matter what,

you have to try your best to protect it because you form a 'Family' of yours.